| Blog #14 | Number Fourteen | The Challenges of Motherhood While Building Our Future Farmstead | <Athena>
We finally got some rain this week. I should be happy about it. And I suppose I am. Our home garden loves it! And the Farm at Junebug needed it. However, I also have felt a little bummed and I am reflecting during this quiet time of toddler naps on why...
We started this summer knowing that Kyle would be busy learning lots of new skills and forming a knowledge base around a whole new area of work (namely: farming and growing food, among many other skills). We (I) knew that he would often be working or at internships for long hours and that even though we could usually pack up the car and go see him more than when he worked at the office...it would still mean he would be away from home as much or more as when he worked in the office. I knew that it would be a whole new world. And I was pretty sure he would enjoy it... What I did not anticipate was how much he would love it. And how much he would want to be there even on days where he would not be faulted for taking the day off (like a rainy day). We don't need the money although I am positive he feels some pressure to "provide" in that way. But, he is also just incredibly loyal and a monstrously dedicated worker. I have never before ran into the feeling of him possibly wanting to be working on his "work" even slightly more than wanting to be at home... home: where the work is a lot slower, more messy, and likely not as exciting.
I'm not really complaining. I love that he loves this whole new world. I love it! I wish I could be there working alongside him more... And he HAS to if that's what we are considering building our future around to any degree. He loves working outside. He loves doing physical labor. He loves being part of a team. He loves the feeling of knowing he is doing a good job. Like a REALLY good job. He is really good at this kind of work.
So why am I here all melancholy on this overcast but beautifully rainy end of the week? When I know that he though he really probably could be home, he can also legitimately find work to do at Work and has joy doing so. Sure, we have stuff to do here around the house and property and being pregnant can't be my excuse for everything. But, I just miss him. And I know our daughter does too. (We get to visit him at work and stay all day if we want. This was something we would never have been able to do while he was an engineer).
We can also actually get out in the field and HELP him at work on the farm (up to the limits of toddler endurance that is)...
...And maybe that is part of it as well.
I recently read a post by a mom who is a also farmer. Her husband snapped a precious photo of her nursing their youngest in the shade of a large tractor parked in the middle of a half-tilled field. She expressed her thoughts and emotions related to her years of strong primary identification as a farmer before other roles in her life and how recently she has been accepting and truly embracing her role as a "grower of humans" (a mommy) as well as a grower of food.
This struck a sore chord in my heart I hadn't realized was even there!
I think more than even missing Kyle...though I SERIOUSLY DO...and I really was super bummed all day today wishing he would just let the rain chase him back home!
...I think... just maybe... I might be jealous?
Jealous. Yes, maybe...Or something of that general color and angst.
I have felt the very real "pull-back", the sense of being "held-back" by motherhood only VERY rarely. I never truly felt it as a nurse. I love that career and will do it alongside whatever else I do as long as I can, however, it does not make my soul ache to any unbearable degree to step away from my nursing career while I stay home to be a full-time mama in the various capacities I have done so over the last 3 years.
Having to leave the field while the men "get to" (in my mind) do all the farm work so that I can follow my toddler to the stream or the playground... and knowing that with pregnancy (and the impending delivery of a tiny new human) I will be essentially resetting this type of restriction on my freedom to get my hands in the dirt in the focused way I want to... it kind of sends waves of something close to my own type of toddler fit through my system.
As of right now, for us (and maybe also for other homesteaders out there), the reality is that I AM the primary "human grower"... that is my primary crop. Kyle is VERY much a dedicated co-farmer on this project, but whether either he or I like in (both of us bump up against our own unique frustrations with this reality), he is literally FREER to do "other work"... and I am not. Especially while pregnant or nursing. This is in part because we have chosen this to be the way we want to raise our children. And we would not change that core decision despite emotions that buck against it at times.
We want there to be a least one full-time parent with them and not put them (or us) through the various stressors of daycare. Kyle has historically made the larger paycheck enabling me to naturally (and willingly) be the primary stay-at-home parent. Now with Farm Work and various "big chores" related to our homestead building Kyle is the man, stronger, and much more able to work outside for 8+ hours of hard labor per day. I will readily admit that pregnancy also turns me into a floppy, wilty wimp! (I am only a feminist up to the point of reality and personal willingness... ;p).
In all reality, I would not WANT to work 40+ hours doing his work right now. I have never been good tied to a typically scheduled 40-hour work week. AND, I'd really ONLY want to do the Farm Work anyway! Not the large swaths of exhaust stinky, sticky, hot lawn mowing...or the setting up chairs for the wedding venue...or moving heavy equipment... or really, even the tractors are not my favorite.
I am simply running up against my own impatience. AGAIN.
I want us to have our own land NOW. I want us to already have our own FARM now. I want to be able to tell my compliant 6 year old to play well with my compliant 3 year old (3 more years to this ideal and possibly unrealistic dream) while I work alongside Kyle tending to our large 1/2 to 1 acre field of food and flowers and permanent beds that require no large tractors. I want to be able to go inside at lunch while Kyle finishes up our current project in the greenhouse and make a large vegan meal for our family and our small crew of dedicated and wonderfully-hearted workers and interns. I am impatient and now that the dirt is literally within grasp (and all over Kyle), I feel deep emotions that are manifesting themselves in strange broody ways.
I do miss him. And I do wish he would have stayed home today while it rained. But maybe even more, I grieve a little for what I am restricted from doing (and what we are still waiting for) right now and kind of want his simple comforting presence more than anything (he is good at that too). Being pregnant makes one emotional, but am have never been of the sort to just write my emotions off as illogical. There's a reason. Many really. They are real and likely not to be fully resolved any time in the present. They all require patience. WHICH IS THE THEME OF MY LIFE IT SEEMS... it all comes down to learning to be patient and honing my own Presence.
Right now it is right for Kyle to be free and flourish abundantly in this new atypical work (according to our overriding culture of money security first...and a little of our parents sensibilities too). It is good and truly what I want for him. To feel freedom internally and externally to explore. To try his hand at something NEW and be free of pressure to provide or fit in a traditional career mold (I can't totally help his own internally imposed ones). I want him to feel affirmed and feel joy.
...And, if anything, I truly know that beyond our own ability to be "good listeners" to the still, small Voice guiding us along this unknown road we are walking, somehow we are still meandering in the right direction (possibly a bit drunkenly...but meh, whose really watching that matters other than those who really love us anyhow)!
I am where I am supposed to be. These roles we have chosen are truly of our choosing. My actual ones are are as important as any I could wish upon myself. Kyle's are also right and good and in God's timing. We are walking together along this road. As a mom and a wife I am strong and capable and more than able to grow magical things right where I am--both human and edible! My passionate (sometimes tending toward impatience) and Kyle's loyalty (sometimes tending toward rutting) are two of our greatest mutual assets.
We are where we are supposed to be.
...Let these thought be a prayer when the rain seems oppressive instead of life-giving.
Kyle and Athena
Welcome to our Farmstead Journal. We warmly invite you to read along as we share the day-to-day successes and road-bumps we encounter as we learn organic farming, pursue our search for our own land and our passion for homesteading, plant-based/"veganic" eating and growing, simplicity and our continual journey of learning and growing as a family!